VOLUME 40 ISSUE 45 10 NOVEMBER 2004 Search
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LAWRENCE,KS—Chad Doogan,20,a resident of the economically ravaged
back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive,received a huge setback Monday,when a
humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was
vetoed by his two roommates,
"Look,I know Chad's
snowed under a
mountain of bills right
now,but that's no reason
for him to get off scot-
free," said Doug
Huygens,22,one of the
apartment's two
superpowers,"Chad's a
good guy and all,but this
is getting ridiculous,He's
owed us a ton of money
for months,Now he
wants a free ride? I'm
sorry,man,but that's
bullshit."
According to Doogan,his large accumulated debt and his extremely low gross
annual income have created a cycle of poverty that he can't escape,
Advertisement
Above,Huygens (left) and Epstein (center) review
the bills Doogan says he can't pay.
Page 1 of 3The Onion | Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan
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"Dude,I got to put at least $300 into my car to get that shitheap running again,or how else am I supposed to deliver pizza?" the
embattled Doogan said from his living-room couch,where he has spent the past two weeks,"There's no way I can afford to do that and
pay the back rent I owe,plus three months of cable bills and beer money,Plus,I still owe like $100 on the noise-complaint ticket we got
from that spring-break party,How am I supposed to pay any of it back if I can't work at Pizza Pete's?"
Doogan and supporters of his debt-relief plan are calling for the immediate cancellation of 85 to 100 percent of his incurred debt,
"If the guys would forget about the money I owe them,or at least the back rent,I could fix my car and pick up a bunch of shifts,"
Doogan said,"It's in their best interest,Not only could I stop begging them for rent,but I could also start chipping in for groceries and
video games and all that."
Huygens and roommate Jake Epstein,24,said they first provided Doogan with emergency funds last winter,when they granted him an
aid package in the form of a no-interest loan obtained through the Apartmental Monetary Fund,founded by Huygens and Epstein in
February 2004 at the behest of third-roommate advocacy groups,such as Doogan's buddies Dan "Cosmo" Richards and Douglas "Scooter"
Pye,
"Cosmo and Scooter were all like,'C'mon,Chad's a good guy,have a heart,'" Epstein said,"So finally,me and Doug were like,'Okay,
okay,we'll float him some cash,but only for a few weeks until he gets his shit together.' Well,you can see how great that worked out."
Although the donor roommates supplied additional aid in the months that followed,the AMF placed strict conditions on the loans,These
conditions were designed to accomplish three goals,to prevent corruption and misuse of funds,to ensure that the monies were spent
wisely,and to reduce third-roommate economic isolationism,integrating the debtor's personal economy more fully into the interdependent
apartmental community,
"We only asked for three things,man," Huygens said regarding the structure of the loan,"First,that Chad quit partying so much,
Second,that he open a checking account so he can budget his cash,And third,that he bring his kickass stereo system out of his bedroom
and into the living room where we can all enjoy it,It was only fair."
While Doogan initially accepted the terms,he later issued complaints that the conditions were unnecessarily restrictive,
"I'm sick of Doug and Jake looking over my shoulder every time I want to rent a DVD or buy a friggin' beer," Doogan said,"Look,I'm
sorry that I don't have a big allowance from my rich parents like they do,I wouldn't be asking the guys for money if they couldn't afford
it."
Huygens and Epstein said Doogan failed to honor the conditions of the loan,
"Three days after we gave him this big loan,we came back from a weekend ski
trip and the whole place was totally trashed," Huygens said,"There were beer
cans everywhere,food and chips and shit all over the floor,and the bathroom was
a friggin' disaster."
The AMF imposed sanctions against Doogan immediately thereafter,refusing
additional loans until the environmental damage stopped,But after loans failed to
Page 2 of 3The Onion | Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan
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bring an end to the spiraling third-roommate debt,a more radical concept was
introduced by an outspoken Chad advocate,Epstein's girlfriend Liz Borowitz,
"Liz was all over me about how I gotta be there for my buddy when he needs
me," Epstein said,"She's,like,this total softie who rescues cats and shit,So she
comes up with the bright idea that me and Doug should just forgive all the loans
and let Chad start over on an even playing field,I was like,'I'm sorry,Liz,but
there's no way in hell...'"
Added Epstein,"Liz is super nice,but her idealist humanitarian policies are not
financially sound,We set a dangerous precedent by bailing Chad out,It hardly
motivates future roommates to be fiscally responsible,does it?"
Doogan implored Huygens and Epstein to reconsider their decision,
"How'm I supposed to better myself when all these forces are keeping me
down?" Doogan said,"If I don't get out from under this debt,I can't pay tuition next semester and provide myself with an education,I'm
under serious risk of reverting to living in my parents' basement,under their totalitarian regime,These dudes are my buddies—can't they
see I'm the victim of macroeconomic forces I'm powerless to overcome? Jeez."
Above,Doogan makes a request for immediate
humanitarian aid.
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Page 3 of 3The Onion | Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan
11/11/2004http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4045&n=3